The Taxi is the boss of Stage 7 and is piloted by Schwang Schwing. It is a powerful vehicle far larger than any of the others seen in the stage, and peforms two roles throughout the stage itself.


After Schwang arrives back in Swizzle Firma, he finds a ride waiting for him, however he finds that Kurt has followed him through the portal. Schwang is still injured from the previous battle, but finds himself having the home-field advantage with the unusually heavily armed taxi. Piloting it, Schwang attacks Kurt. Unfortunately, Kurt is unable to battle the taxi with his weaponry as it stands, and Schwang begins destroying the platforms. This forces Kurt to flee across Swizzle Firma lest he fall hundreds of feet to his death, as he makes his way to the tallest building. Eventually, he does battle with the taxi after finding that the spinning orbs on the ship can be destroyed with his sniper rifle. 

Scwhang tries to kill Kurt using the lightning blasts and bombs, however Kurt's skill and speed completely overshadow any of its firepower. Even when backed up by foot soldiers, Schwang never stood a chance, and his taxi is destroyed. He then slams into the platform, and the wreckage falls off the platform to the streets below, leaving Schwang injured and in the company of Kurt. Kurt runs up to the giant alien and demands he cease the invasion of Earth, however Schwang, rubbing his eyes, admits to Kurt that this was not a personal vendetta, and that he was ordered to do so by Emperor Zizzy Ballooba. Kurt laments his luck and flies off towards the palace, leaving Schwang behind.



The taxi coming from behind a building

Throughout the entirety of stage 7 prior to Kurt reaching the boss platform, the taxi will fire at Kurt any chance it gets The lightning bolts will land wherever Kurt was when they were fired, however the far more lethal part of this are the bombs. The taxi will regularly fire blue bombs that, when they connect with the platforms, will destroy them. This will make traversing the taxi segments hazardous, and the player should move fast and make liberal use of jumps.

Once the player reaches the last room above the clouds, the real battle will begin.


The taxi only spawns once the player steps on the boss platform, so as long as the player hasn't yet arrived, the player can get some items beforehand. By flying to the toppled building, the player can get a few upgrades and some health, and standing at the very tip-top of the building and then flying to the entrance can net a player a Dummy Decoy.

After this, the player can do the boss the hard way, or the long way.

Hard WayEdit

This is clearly the way the boss is meant to be fought, but is significantly harder than the long way.

After landing on the platform, the boss will spawn in. Schwang will circle the taxi around the platform, firing bombs that cause shockwaves Kurt must jump over, and lightning bolts. There are two domes on the platform, each with an item, however staying in them too long will force Schwang to blow them apart, revealing Kurt.

In order to topple the taxi, Kurt must be selective about activating Sniper Mode, as he is being likely barraged from every side. Around the taxi are glowing spheres similar to Sniper Locks, and shooting them will break a piece off. Some will require up to three shots, but be aware the taxi is coated in them. Depending on the angle the taxi is floating from, this can make hitting certain spheres impossible until Schwang turns the weaponized taxi around.

Whenever Schwang dives below the platform and comes up, he will be switching his attack pattern to something else. Be aware of this, and be quick to respond.

Schwang will also air-drop Poopsies and Grunts onto the field. The Poopsies are not particularly a problem, however the Grunts should be taken care of immediately. Their powerful lasers with a large hit radius means they can drain your health/shield very quickly, and on Hard and Jinkies, they can carve off large chunks of HP. Remember that you can simply stun then and force them to the ground while you wait for an opening to snipe their heads, given the taxi won't stop firing at you to give you an opportunity.

The taxi doesn't have a health bar, it breaks once all of the locks are broken.

Long WayEdit

By jumping on the platform and then carefully parachuting to the toppled building, climbing your way to the top, and activating Sniper Mode, you can effectively get a vantage point where the taxi's lasers cannot hit you, the enemies cannot reach, and you can leisurely shoot the taxi down. The downside is that this will take a significantly longer time to do, so be ready for a long battle.

After setting yourself up on the toppled building,simply activate Sniper Mode;. If you have a Sniper Shield, let it break before you attempt this, as the lowered visibility makes this almost frustrating. 

The Grunts and Poopsies will not attack you from here, nor can they reach your position. As such, you don't have to deal with any enemy fire whatsoever. The bombs from the taxi are also only fired at the platforms, so the only attack the player must watch is the lightning blasts. On occasion, the taxi will be close enough for its lightning to reach Kurt. Be aware of this, and make sure to avoid it. That said, in most situations, the lightning will vanish before it reaches you due to going too far.

The Sniper Bullets can reach the taxi from any distance, and since they are infinite there is no harm in constantly firing. Just be aware that, due to your distance from the taxi, most of your shots will likely be misses, and shooting it when it is moving around is fundamentally impossible. 


  • The ship doesn't actually get called a Taxi in-game. The name comes from one of the outtakes of the game where Schwang arrives to Swizzle Firma, panics about having to admit he failed, and calling a taxi.
  • The vehicle is a one-seater and apparently came to Schwang without a pilot, as he is the only one inside the vehicle after it breaks.